Emotional pain is inevitable… We have all been hurt at some
point in our lives and we will all likely be hurt again. Jesus told us, “in
this world you will have trouble…” So, how do we deal with this pain?
In 5th grade I changed schools, it was a traumatic
experience. I had moved from a small setting designed for kids who had learning
differences... mine happened to be dyslexia and the ADHD that sometimes goes
with it. The new school had large classes that rotated... one of my teachers
didn't even know my name. There happened to be an extra-large, almost full
grown young man who was a student in my fifth grade class. I had never heard
the kind of language that came out of his mouth and I had never experienced a
"swirly" or been stuffed into a locker, or had a super-sonic wedgie
until I met extra large, redheaded Raymond. I was undersized for 5th grade, so
as I saw it, my options were few... As I look back on the experience, I can see
where some good coaching on processing emotional pain could have been beneficial
for both of us. I recognized that the world he grew up in probably had few
tools to cope with life other than physical strength, harsh language, and
whatever strong arm tactics would ensure survival of the fittest. I also
recognized that my life coping tool box had little more than silent, numbing
and hiding behaviors that included eating a half a loaf of cinnamon toast and
going to bed all afternoon everyday, so I could dull the pain. If my grown self
could have gone back to that towheaded, wobbly kneed, inwardly angered boy self, I
would have tried to give him some skills in handling the pain inflicted by my
red-headed Goliath from elementary school. I would probably go back and try to
give Raymond some coping skills for his tool box that would be more beneficial
for him in the long run too. I would tell boy-me to pray for Raymond, talk
about my emotional pain with a friend or my parents instead of eating my pain
with lots of butter, cinnamon sugar and white flour bread and sleeping through
my pre-teen life. I would have engaged boy-me in sports or karate or a hobby
that would develop my own discipline. I would also tell Raymond it's not okay
to put my head in the toilet. And as an adult, I would tell boy-Raymond that
God really loves him and there are people who really care about him and there
are ways to process the pain from his home and surroundings with words and
prayer. I would ask him to express his frustrations and anger in more verbally
productive ways rather than spewing expletives at anyone around him. I would
involve him in a sport that would allow him to use his physical prowess in more
rewarding, less destructive ways.
Using this and other personal life experiences and doing some research and bible study there seem to be three basic ways we deal with our pain. We can remember them with the word PRO. We all go PRO with pain, because sometimes life just hurts and sometimes people hurt each other … intentionally or not. There are two ways we handle our pain and they are bad for us because they are bad for our relationships and we are designed as relational beings. When we PROject our pain on others (like boy-Raymond) and/or we attempt to PROtect ourselves from ever being hurt again (like boy-me) we harm our relationships. There is however a relationally healthy way of handling our pain… we can PROcess it. Jerrod Justice tells us, “Our pain is either transmitted or transformed.”
When we PROject our pain,
we hurt other people. We have become quite adept at the ways we can do
it. We can gossip, berate, or belittle others. It can be
someone who hurt us, as we exact revenge, or it could just be someone around
us, unrelated to the hurt, who happens to be convenient. We can
intentionally ignore, exclude or abandon people. We can physically
harm them (like stuffing them in a locker). We humans can be quite
evil and creative when we project our pain on others. Somehow we
think it will make us feel better about ourselves, but that is never the case
for long. We often get caught in a vicious cycle of harm when we project our
pain on others. Projecting our pain, makes us the worst version of ourselves.
When we PROtect ourselves from pain, we hide from other people. We try any way we can to
just escape the pain. We just want it to stop. We do need to protect ourselves
from further harm, but there are some really unhealthy ways to do it which
diminish who we are. We can numb ourselves with food (like loaves of
cinnamon toast and butter), drugs, other chemicals, porn, alcohol and unhealthy
relationships... We can even convince ourselves that excessive
exercise, religion, work, or sleep is good for us ... you can fill in the blank
here with something else that is otherwise considered healthy or beneficial,
but is destructive in excess. Or we can hide behind a persona never
showing who we really are for fear we will be hurt again. When we
hide our true self, we have cheated the world out of experiencing the very
relationships to which we are meant to bring life. We bring much less of who we
are to our relationships when we are numbing, masking, or hiding from others so
we won’t hurt anymore.
PROcessing our pain is the best option. It allows us to help other people instead of hiding from them or hurting them. Processing preserves relationships and helps us move forward after painful encounters. We need to first process our pain with the God who sees us, hears us, and cares about us. We do this by praying and seeking some comfort from His presence, His Word and His people (those who are mature enough to bring some comfort and wisdom). If the pain is inflicted by people rather than something else, we may need to talk through the issue with those who have hurt us. According to Brene’ Brown in Rising Strong, we should generously assume the other person was doing the best they could at the time of the hurtful encounter. We will also need to set clear boundaries with these people and let them know what is "not okay." (Raymond was probably doing the best he could to survive in his 5th grade world with the tools he had been given by those in his world.)
We don’t choose to process our pain just because it is the best of our choices, we do it because it is who we are becoming as we follow Christ. Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder tell us in RARE Leadership, just because we have been given good rational choices, doesn’t mean we will choose to do them. Our actions are based on our identity ... who we really are, not on whether we think something is a good idea or not.(My boy-self identified as the undersized wimp who had no one to help and no choices but to self-medicate. Boy Raymond identified as the bully, who hurt others before they could hurt him.) As we identify with Jesus we connect with Him and act like Him and we learn how to do it from those who follow Him well. We can respond to pain in a healthy way and process it like Jesus did. He was hurt but it was His identity to love people no matter what. Jesus followers can do this too. The apostle Paul reminded the early church who they were in Christ and he told them how those who belong to Him act and live. We help others, we do good and not evil and we don’t numb ourselves… (even when we are hurting.)
1 Thessalonians 5:5-11 (CEV)
5 You belong to the
light and live in the day. We don't live in the night or belong to the
dark. 6 Others may sleep, but we should stay awake and be alert. 7 People
sleep during the night, and some even get drunk. 8 But we
belong to the day. So we must stay sober and let our faith and love
be like a suit of armor. Our firm hope that we will be saved is our
helmet. 9 God doesn't intend to punish us, but wants us to be
saved by our Lord Jesus Christ. 10 Christ died for us, so that
we could live with him, whether we are alive or dead when he
comes. 11 That's why you must encourage and help each other,
just as you are already doing.
Don’t PROject your emotional pain and hurt others or PROtect only yourself and hide from others, but PROcess your pain, stay relational and help others... because it's who were are... people who love others well!