Parents, What Do We Do With Shame?* Words from COVID 19 Delta

 Parents, What do we do with shame? … As a young minister, in one of my first churches, I was excited to be asked to be on the church’s softball team. I had deflected the invite by saying I’m not great at softball and I hadn’t played in several years. The coach said they were down a player and he insisted that I come. As a kid, I was a decent stickball & whiffleball player, a pretty mediocre softball player and a not great baseball player, but I was looking forward to belonging to the team, hanging out, and having fun, making new friends with some guys my age at my new church. In my excitement of being asked to join the team, I went out and bought a new glove, something I hadn’t done since elementary school with my dad. I enthusiastically shared with Anita my great anticipation. I drove to the ball diamond for my first practice. As soon as I got out of the car, the coach said, “grab a bat”… so, I grabbed a bat and stepped up to the plate for what I thought was a practice swing. The pitcher sent me a melon - soft and sweet, I swung the bat and made contact. I didn’t swing hard, I was trying to warm up my muscles a bit. The coach said, “run!”; I was like “what?” and began to run toward first. The short stop easily threw me out. The coach said, “We can't use you Bill… you didn’t even make it to first base.” He was looking for a ringer and I was no ringer. So, in shame and embarrassment I walked back to my car like a disappointed 6th grader who didn’t make the school basketball team (that happened too BTW). According to shame researcher, Brené Brown, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” So, in a sports obsessed community where your value and acceptance is determined by your softball prowess, this was the epitome of shame. The entire team averted their eyes to avoid looking at me as I slinked into the car trying not to show any emotion. I drove home, threw my glove in the closet and collapsed on the couch in a heap, like dirty laundry tossed into a basket. Lots of things were going through my head, all of which led to a spiral of disappointment, hurt and anger. I wasn’t sure what to think, I didn’t know how to process this in a healthy way. I wish I had been mature enough to lovingly confront this older fellow church family member, asking if perhaps I had misunderstood his invitation, or if he had somehow misunderstood my expression of my skill level. However, all I did was avoid the coach and any team member for the rest of my time at this church and they seemed comfortable doing the same. (BTW I needed some humbling at that point in my life, I was kinda arrogant and capable of dispensing some shame myself. God was probably allowing this humiliation with good reason. That doesn’t, however, give a free pass to those who uncaringly dish out this toxic shame.) A few years ago, I gave that glove away with some bikes and other sports equipment to a Dad with four active kids. Just looking at the glove, triggered some shame. I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone, but each time I remember it, it reminds me how much it hurts to feel like you don’t belong, like you’ve been rejected and you are just not good enough. It helps me to remember to value people over other things. It reminds me that we are all desperate to belong and we gotta make sure we help flawed people (hint: we’re all flawed!) know they have a place with Jesus and us, regardless of what they can do for us or whether or not they can improve our lives (or win us the church softball league championship).

Jesus had been invited to a big dinner and lots of fancy people had been invited. The host knew that inviting these people could do something for him, maybe his reputation, his ego, or perhaps his pocketbook. So, Jesus reminded him that the people who claimed to follow Him always made a place at the table for those who may have felt "not good enough." Jesus wanted his host to know that everyone needs to belong, especially those who felt shame, i.e.“flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” He actually said, give deference to those who had nothing to bring. Here’s what Jesus says, “When you give a lunch or a dinner, don’t invite your friends, your brothers or sisters, your relatives, or your rich neighbors, because they might invite you back, and you would be repaid. On the contrary, when you host a banquet, invite those who are poor, maimed, lame, or blind. And you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you; for you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.” (Luke 14:12–14) We need to offer acceptance to those who may feel shamed and flawed, maybe comfort them and help them process the hurt, and certainly not add more toxic shame to their lives. They need to feel like they belong, that people care, that they have value regardless of what they can or cannot bring.

Hang in there people! God is Glad to be with us! I’m praying for us all!