I spent part of my early teen years in Boy Scouts, camping, canoeing, scout meetings, tying knots, trying to learn the Scout law and oath… all the fun stuff. I wasn’t very good at getting merit badges. Our troop, on the whole, at that time, was not one that produced a lot of Eagle Scouts, but we sure had fun… It was as if we said, “we don’t need no stinkin’ badges,” we just want to do what’s fun. (Kudos to all those who are diligent and dedicated enough to earn the honor of Eagle Scout) One particular campout, we of course hadn’t slept, we just played in the fire all night. The next day on the drive home, the troop stopped at a park to have lunch. There happened to be a large creek running through the park. So, after lunch we were all playing in the creek… it wasn’t long before someone threw a rock in and splashed water on another scout. AND then it was on! Rocks were flying into the water splashing the scouts on each side… teams were arbitrarily selected by whatever side of the creek you were on. This thing escalated quickly from harmless fun to an all out splash war. Sleep deprived teenaged boys first excitedly, then angrily retaliating, throwing harder and harder, grabbing bigger and bigger rocks. It was an all out frenetic fracus! Arm launched river rock projectiles were flying wildly everywhere! Adult leaders were trying to get a hold of the out of control donnybrook after they had initially passed it off as harmless fun. My friend bent down to grab another rock in front of me. I was focused on the scout target on the other side of the creek and the exact spot to throw the stone to splash him, so I didn’t notice where my friend was. Just as I released the rock, he stood up from grabbing his rock and WHAM, it hit him in the back of the head. It really hurt him. I felt really bad. (I was also a little scared, I had heard the whole David and Goliath thing, I hoped I hadn’t killed him.) All the way home, he was hurting. Even worse, though he was exhausted, he couldn’t go to sleep, because the adult leaders didn’t want him to go to sleep with a concussion. He was angry too, he thought I had intentionally hit him with the rock. I felt bad enough that it was my rock in “the mountain creek melee” that had hit him, but I felt even worse that he thought I had hit him on purpose. His head and our friendship was injured.
I have noticed in my own relationships that when fun, teasing words escalate into a full-fledged squabble, words can really do damage to healthy connection. I learned from a counselor friend that nothing good comes when word wars escalate verbally. All helpful communication ends when we go into fight, flight or freeze mode. Our brain chemicals shut down the thinking part of the brain and we become focused solely on winning. It becomes about instinctual survival of the fittest, which, by the way, leads to nothing good in relationships. Only hurt feelings, misunderstandings and destruction of connection happens.
A seminary professor once told our class that words in early Hebrew society were like projectiles. Blessings that were said to you were received like blessed oil poured on your head running down to cover you. But curses, if they landed on you stuck like glue and did you harm. He said people would physically try to dodge the curse words hurled at them from a rival, because the words had power to hurt you. I still remember him quickly dropping to the floor to make the point, as if the curse was like a dodgeball covered in flypaper and he was dodging that curse by getting out of its path and letting the words fly above him, missing their target.
In Luke’s Gospel, Jesus wants his followers to know that conflict escalation is antithetical to His Way. He tells us to respond with blessings to those who throw curses at us. He says, ““But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” (Luke 6:27–36 NIV) Wow! … “children of the Most High.” We’re most like Jesus when we return blessing for cursing, rather than what comes natural to us - picking up the next bigger verbal rock and throwing it harder. How many relationships could I have protected, even nurtured, if I had not escalated a conflict with increasingly hurtful words?
Hang in there people! God is glad to be with us! I’m praying for us all!
