What do you do when you wake up angry with yourself for having messed up royally the day before? When you have done things that delay or even reverse noticeable progress?
It happened to me this morning after yesterday’s loss to insecurity and anger issues. The two-headed snake had slithered back into my head from the dark crevasses where it had been hiding. The venom of guilt quickly spread through my mind and even made my body hurt. But the pain, which had been much more common several months ago, seemed to hurt worse now, because the calluses of repeated regret had started to soften some. All I could do was lay awake in paralysis all night while the regret swallowed me whole.
I had been making good progress, because I learned some new Truth that had set me free. Wisdom told me to keep moving forward and acknowledge incremental improvement, but to watch out for attacks when fatigue, isolation, or neglect was prevalent; when stress was higher than usual. However, I was lured in by some of the same old lies and false promises (“go ahead yell and devalue them, that will show them you’re in charge,” and “go ahead, watch that show, the content is not really THAT inappropriate, besides you deserve it.”
It made me feel angry, because I know better, yet I arrogantly and unwisely followed the sucrose laced breadcrumbs down the self-defeating path…again. They tasted sweet for a moment, and then quickly turned bitter just like they always do. They always look like they will taste better than they really do.
I feel better now though, confessing, regaining forward focus, because Truth rescued me again, reminding me that I am more than a conqueror over these sorts of things. Truth and Wisdom reminded me that times of defeat in these areas are much more infrequent now than just a few months ago; that there is measurable progress. They also reminded me of other self-defeating thoughts and behaviors that haven’t reared their ugly heads in years!
They told me to celebrate the progress and move ahead. Celebrating the victories is like anti-venom that revitalizes you from the paralysis of regret and frees you to continue forward.
Philippians 3:12-14 (MSG) 12 I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. 13 Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. 14 I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.
