Tall Eastern White Pines bordered the property between my preteen home and the neighborhood church. One of the tree’s low branches invited me to climb up after a particularly difficult day of Middle School. As I climbed, I looked for the next branch, until I reached my perch, 3 or 4 stories up. My heart pounded with the adrenaline rush from looking down. I felt a bit dizzy, but exhilarated. I was well hidden in the dark green canopy, but coated in sticky sap. I could feel and hear the breeze as it quietly whistled through the needles. It made the tree sway gently. I was suspended there between childhood and young adulthood, heaven and earth, faith and fear. It helped me forget the pain I felt not knowing what to do with the butterflies in my stomach I experienced when I was around girls, or the knot that lodged there when the bullies were close enough to threaten, give a “wedgie,” “nuggie,” a sock in the arm, or deadlegging me. I was also not sure what to do with the disappointment (my own and my parent’s) that came from the increasing number of red marks on my papers, which felt as real as the red heat of an embarrassed face when I responded awkwardly in social situations, or the red marks inflicted on my body by schoolmates who pushed, punched or pinched to show their dominance. My adventurous heart was getting wounded, so I took flight to the tree that day. Another day I may have self medicated with a loaf of bread made into cinnamon toast smothered in butter, or played hours of sports, or escaped to the far reaches of the neighborhood on my bike. Or, perhaps, endlessly mindlessly watching afternoon television featuring Gilligan’s Island and other favorites which left me 30 minutes dumber but still amused enough to not have to think about the day’s challenges and defeats. There were many ways of attempting to "just make it stop hurting." On even more challenging days, I would go nap for hours to escape it all before dinner.
As a new believer I wondered, where was Jesus? What could He do when the cute girl flirted with me (or didn’t even acknowledge me) and I said something awkward, silly or inappropriate. Where was He when the overaggressive classmate made sure I “knew who was boss.” And where was He when the angst, anxiety and fear chemicals took over my brain, rendering it incapable of recalling what I had just read or studied? I read my Bible often and was at church as often as I could go, even attending the church next door on the Sundays my family didn’t go to our church across town. But I couldn’t be at church or reading my Bible every time trouble, temptation, or pain came my way. It was difficult to grasp what it meant in Matt 1:23, that Jesus was called Immanuel, meaning “God WITH us.” I had trouble understanding that the Holy Spirit actually lived IN me (John 14:17), My concrete brain still struggled with where He was when all the physical and emotional pain was happening. I wanted Jesus to actually physically be with me. I was like the Sons of Thunder, I wanted Him to strike the bullies with retribution, not thinking perhaps they were all hurting too and inflicting pain on me was one of their attempts at escaping their own pain.
It took me many years to understand that, as promised, God had never left me or forsaken me, even in the middle of my traumatic experiences (Ps. 9:10). God was glad to be with me as I endured the hardships, but I wanted something more instant and tangible to escape the discomfort, so, self medication came in many forms for me: endless activity, food, sleep, adrenaline rush, solitude, anger, and even more destructive addictive behaviors as life went on. I sought whatever would give my brain a chemical bath and make me feel better for the moment. These things actually added more pain from guilt, regret, and shame.
The definition of joy is “the emotion you have when someone is glad to be with you.” We desire joy from the time we are born, we look for it in the eyes of our parents and those who are in our world. The angel, at the announcement of Christ, said in Luke 2:10, “I bring you good tidings of great Joy that will be for all the people.” God is glad to be with us in great times and hard times, but too often we settle for “joy substitutes,” otherwise known as addictions and self-medications when we are hurting. Researcher Brene Brown says, “We are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history.” Our joy substitutes have squeezed God out of our consciousness, fooling us to believe that God lied to us and that He is not with us in our most difficult moments. God does not lie, He IS with us whether He allows us to experience difficulties or not. We have to leave room for Him in our awareness, so we can notice His omni-presence. In order to find that He is with us, we must be seeking relationship with Him, not just seeking relief from our problems and pain. Through the “Weeping Prophet,” God says, “You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”(Jeremiah 29:13) We cannot keep running to whatever numbs or stimulates us just to make the pain stop momentarily. The pain, guilt, shame, and regret just returns as soon as the chemical brain bath subsides. We gotta start with the most important relationship (our relationship with God), and go for real joy, not joy substitutes.
Hang in there people! God is glad to be with us! I’m praying for us all!
